Betrayal of Jesus

Besides the grief of losing a loved one, I believe that rejection and betrayal are the hardest things we face as human beings. We may feel rejected by loved ones for our lifestyle, or by the boss who didn't give us the job or promotion, or by friends who we desperately wanted acceptance from. We may feel betrayed by a spouse or by a person who didn't keep up their end of a promise to us.

And when we suffer from rejection or betrayal, it stings. Hard. And even thinking about times in the past when we've been hurt in this way still brings up those little prickly feelings inside of us. Feeling rejected and betrayed often brings out the worst in us. Somehow, it brought out the best in Jesus.

I read the story of Jesus' arrest from Matthew 26:36-56. As I read, I marveled at how Jesus stood strong while all of his followers fell away. How did he do it? I can't even handle if someone blows me off for dinner, and Jesus called Judas friend after Judas turned him over with a kiss. A kiss. A sign of affection that Jesus knew was the ultimate betrayal. And Jesus replies in verse 50, "Do what you came for friend."

Right before this, Jesus had spent time praying. I'm guessing Jesus' time praying looked fairly different than my neat and tidy prayer time where I sit with my coffee and my Bible and journal. Jesus goes to a quiet place and has a conversation with God, knowing that God is asking him to be killed for the sins of all people for all of history and all of the future. Talk about pressure. Jesus is distressed and begs God to let this story go a different way, but he ends his prayers with "not my will, but your will be done."

Jesus knew the will of God. He knew what scripture said and he knew he was sent to earth to fulfill God's plan. And he prayed that God's will be done. His strength in facing Judas and the arrest that followed came from knowing he was executing God's plan. He didn't need his friends to use their swords against those coming to arrest him. He knew that God was going to fulfill a bigger purpose. And Jesus faced those people and didn't fight back.

And then, as he was being arrested, his disciples abandoned him. Matthew 26:56 ends with, "then all the disciples deserted him and fled." His closest friends. The ones who followed him around, learning from him and doing life with him--the ones who left everything they had to follow this man named Jesus without really knowing what they were getting themselves into--they deserted him as he was being arrested.

I know that this fulfills what the prophets said. And I know that if I were a disciple I would've done the exact same thing; I won't blame them for jumping ship. I can't imagine what they were all feeling and going through and how confused they must have been, even though Jesus foretold what was going to happen to him. But this verse stopped me in my tracks. Because there have been times I've felt deserted by those closest to me. And I'm guessing you have too.

We all face rejection and betrayal. Hopefully not to the extent Jesus did, the kind that leads to death. But sometimes it feels that way. The question is, how will we react? Will we still find the strength to walk in the will of God? Will we remain true to Jesus and to the plan that he has for our lives, or will we falter and flounder and let that rejection become our identity? How do we remain strong?

Just like Jesus, we keep praying for God's will be done above all else. We keep our eyes on the one who can save us. The one who loves us better than anyone else and doesn't reject us no matter what we do. We look at the one who loves us perfectly and who says we are complete in Christ and that nothing will ever separate us from his love. We cling tight to him, knowing that he is mighty to save and that he will rescue us from whatever mess we've found ourselves in, even if we made that mess. Just like Jesus is resurrected, he will resurrect us. It might not look the same. He might not fix what we ask him to. But he will resurrect us. He will make us new. He will give us strength to keep going, even in the face of betrayal and rejection.

Year in Pictures

2018 has been something. It started out with anticipation and expectation, which quickly turned into anxiety and wandering. The first five months of the year tested me in ways I wouldn't wish on to anyone. I had to fight like hell to keep going, and every time it seemed like I was past that season, something else got piled up on top. I had to learn to take care of me--which looked like a lot of time in nature, seeing a therapist, getting closer to some people and leaving some people, and traveling all over the country to find new adventure and redefine what was important to me.

I've picked a favorite photo for each month...in some cases, a couple of photos--it was hard!...to chronicle 2018. I take a lot of pictures, 5780 this year, and I had fun this morning looking back through an entire years worth!

January: A picture of my handsome Pacino. My OG. The dude who has been around for 6 years. This was taken while painting my basement, which took all of winter break and then some. I questioned whether I should finish the basement right away after buying my place, but I am so thankful I made it a priority to be finished. I never imagined filling it with a kid so soon, but it all worked out perfectly. 

February gets two pictures: a picture of our fake tattoos from our Galentine's Day is the first. I am so thankful for these women from Central City in my life, even though I only see them once a month or so instead of daily. They have had my back and kept me grounded through a thousand things.

The second picture is during an impromptu shopping day in Ankeny with my family. We went to Five Guys for lunch, and then I think we went back after shopping to get ice cream! Looking back, this was a perfect prelude to our summer trip! Also, it must have been game day, because we're all in our Cyclones gear. These are my favorite people.

Spring Break in March led me to Chicago. I don't really love Chicago, but I needed to get out of town and my friends Dustin and Megan were going to IKEA, so I invited myself along. I had intentions of spending my whole paycheck at IKEA, but I ended up with only a handful of things. I don't usually love Chicago, but it was sunny and clear and perfect for walking around Navy Pier. Our hotel was walking distance, so we got in a lot of steps and spent a lot of time staring at Lake Michigan. This was one of 3 visits to Lake Michigan for me in 2018. 

April was just a terrible month. It started okay, and I was supposed to get my first foster care placement, and it all kind of went downhill from there. I wrote about it on this other post, and I don't really want to write about it again. But, the picture comes from a book that I read during that season called Begin Again by Leanna Tankersley. It is all about how when things derail, go an unexpected direction, or don't meet our expectations, we always begin again. I wrote that on my wrist many days during this season as a reminder that I had the opportunity to begin again each day, even each hour or moment if I needed to. 

May...another visit to Lake Michigan. I made an impromptu visit up to Milwaukee to visit my friend Amy and get away for awhile. It was much needed. I got some rest, explored new places, had no agenda, and just had fun. There's something about being around the water that just heals the soul, and this trip did that for me. 

This brings us to June. In June I knocked a major thing off of my bucket list: visiting the Grand Canyon. We hiked the Bright Angel Trail a mile and a half down into the canyon. It was amazing. You just can't even picture how big it is unless you visit, and even then, it's hard to grasp just how big it is when you're at the top. It's crazy. During that trip we also went to Sedona and hiked to Devil's Bridge. It was a little terrifying, no doubt, but so worth it. Sedona was probably the second coolest place I've ever been, behind Victoria Falls in Africa. The Grand Canyon was cool, too, but I really loved Sedona and would like to go back. We also made the trek up to Horseshoe Bend. It was cool, and the drive to get there was long but scenic. Overall, I loved Arizona. I pretty much started tracking flight prices back to Arizona the day I got back to Cedar Rapids. 

July gets 6 pictures, because, let's face it, my whole life changed in July. It started off by taking a family girls trip to Texas and Oklahoma. We went to Dallas to the JFK museum, and to Southfork where the show Dallas was filmed. Then we went to Waco and to Magnolia Market and saw everything Chip & Joanna Gaines had to offer. The food at Magnolia Table was some of the best breakfast food ever. Then we went north into Oklahoma, albeit with a "short" detour, and made it to Pawhuska to visit Pioneer Woman's ranch and shop. I am obsessed with Ree Drummond and getting to see the Lodge where her show is filmed was super cool. This trip was just my favorite, with my favorite people. We've never done anything like it before, and may never get the opportunity again, but I'm so glad everyone finally said yes to going. 

The second picture is at Nerd Camp. This was my first year attending. Nerd Camp is a conference for teachers and there are several authors that speak, as well. It is in a small town in Michigan called Parma. This year, the keynote speaker was Dav Pilkey. He is the creator of Captain Underpants, Dog Man, and Ricky Ricotta book series, but I had no idea how he would change my life that day. His keynote was about how he had ADHD as a kid and wasn't always a great student but how he had one college professor who encouraged him and changed his story. Well, right before Dav got up to speak, I got an email about a 9 year old boy who needed a home. All it said was that he potentially had ADHD (a complete misdiagnoses), that he was a friendly and likeable kid (entirely true) and that he was moving out of his foster placement because of some issues with him and another family member (none of which was his fault, it turns out.) He would need a home by the end of the week. I listened to Dav for about an hour, then wrote back and said yes, I could take him by Friday. 

The next picture is yet another picture of Lake Michigan. I obviously had a lot of preparing to do, but we had planned on stopping at Indiana Dunes State Park to hike the day after Nerd Camp. I decided that a day of hiking wasn't going to hurt anything, and I'm so glad we kept that day. We watched the sunset over Lake Michigan and then hiked the Dunes Challenge the following day. We hung out on the beach and went into the water in our hiking clothes and splashed around like little kids. It was amazingly relaxing. 

The next picture is the first picture I ever took of Spike. He looks so tiny there compared to now. This was the second day he was with me and we went to a park to listen to live music and play cards. Of course he's eating an ice cream sandwich! Ha!

The next picture is of my friends Amy & Elena. We have been vacationing together every year since we had enough money to take vacations. Last summer we went to Boston, and we decided in 2018 they would come to Iowa, anticipating that I would have a foster placement. I'm so thankful that they came. It eased the transition because we spent several days traveling around to different places in Iowa. It was the perfect timing for a staycation. 

Lastly, my Granny's 75th birthday. There aren't words to describe how thankful I am to have spent 32 years with her on this Earth. I always knew it, but I believe it more now that I'm bringing 2 children to her house. She has a coffee mug that says "where everyone has a seat at the table" and I'm pretty sure nothing sums her up better. She makes everyone feel welcome, included, and cared about and always has. That's probably why everyone has always and continues to gather in her kitchen. I can't imagine my life without her. 

These two are from August. First up, how I spent a day each week--in the back of a kayak being pulled by my little guy. Slow days at the lake are how summer should be spent. We saw fish, eagles, and lily pads up close. 

The second picture is at the Sugarland state fair concert. I was so excited about this, and I got to hang out with some old friends during the show. I love Sugarland, and them putting out new music and touring together again made my year so much better. Being 3rd row at the concert was worth every penny. 

September was busy with getting back to school and finding our daily routine. This picture was taken the last weekend of September. Spike's sister spent the weekend with us, and that's the weekend I knew she'd end up living with us. We had such a fun weekend doing all the things families do in the fall. I emailed her caseworker and asked to get her moved in when her school quarter ended.

October always ends up being one of the busiest months of the year, and this year was no different. We celebrated my Gramps' birthday along with Spike's half birthday--which was totally in the wrong month! Anyway, Spike got to celebrate by going to see his favorite band, the Newsboys, in concert. I wasn't going to get tickets, because, let's be real, the budget is tight, but he'd been talking non-stop about concerts after I didn't take him to Sugarland, so when I thought it was his half-birthday, I caved and bought the tickets. I didn't regret it. He was so surprised, and we sang and had a blast the whole night! 

This was also the year that I realized that even though I've spent most of my life trying to be just like my Granny, I'm also very similar to my Gramps. We both get riled up more about Iowa State athletics more than anyone else I know, we prefer to eat brown bananas, we're both a bit stubborn, and like to take the back roads and see the adventures. I'm so thankful for him as well. The guys in our family probably don't get enough credit...the women just kinda take over, ha! 

Two from November, as well: our hike at Palisade's Kepler the day before we turned the clocks back, and our snowball fight! I love getting outside and am so thankful that I've got kids who do, as well. Nothing is better than a little fresh air. The kids were shocked when I snuck outside and nailed 'em with some snowballs! 

Lastly, December, Christmas. This year was full of more Christmas than I've had as an adult. I guess having kids does that to you. We all declared it to be the best Christmas ever. We did all the things, visited all the trees, looked at lights, went to Christmas festivals, and family celebrations. We also did an Advent calendar and reading every day so that we could stay focused on what Christmas is really about. It was a perfect holiday season, and we were sad to take our tree and decorations down today. I am especially thankful to friends, family, and anonymous people who gave us presents, gift cards, and money. We were blessed far more than we could've imagined, and we're ridiculously thankful for it. 

The final picture from this year is actually from July, but I thought it summed up the year just perfectly. A rainbow. It symbolized God's power, his covenant with his people, and his faithfulness and mercy. Through all the good and bad of this year, God has proved himself faithful to me. What more could I ask for? 

On Life Falling Apart & God's Faithfulness

I had a moment today. I was going to a meeting at a new school for my new foster placement. And as I left school at noon today, I had this terrible flashback to last April. I saw myself walk out of the building expecting a child and coming back to school as a crushed spirit.

I haven't talked much about what happened in April. Honestly, it wrecked me, traumatized me. Like, the kind of wrecked where I couldn't get out of bed, couldn't stop crying, couldn't function. Being a foster parent is interesting...I didn't carry the child in my body for 9 months, singing her songs and reading stories. But I prayed for her. I knelt on her floor and laid on her bed and prayed my guts out. I prepared the house for her: I bought a refrigerator full of groceries, a closet full of clothes,  reorganized the bedroom...all the things that parents do.

I was supposed get that placement the week before. And then I tore my calf muscle and couldn't walk and we delayed the placement by a week. I was disheartened about delaying--I have literally been dreaming of being a foster parent as far back as I can remember. After getting my license I turned down several placements for various reasons, but finally said yes to this one. I talked with the foster family she was with, took pages of notes, got her into a new preschool, did all the paperwork, spent a week not sleeping, prepared everything.

And Friday, I left school at noon to go pick her up. I left nervously, anxiously. I had pep talks and words of encouragement from so many of my wonderful coworkers. There was literally nothing I could have done to be more prepared.

And I drove to the office with her carseat in my backseat and I put a picture on Snapchat of that empty carseat saying I was about to go fill it. And then I walked into the office and was told plainly that they placed her with another family and that someone was supposed to call me. I am thankful that I'm not the one who had to look into my eyes that day and watch the shock that I'm sure showed in my face. After the lady (I don't even remember her name or what she looked like) telling me 4-5 times that Little Miss had, in fact, gone to a different family and wasn't going home with me, I walked back to my car. I was in shock. I didn't know the area of town I was in very well, so I just started driving. And, I didn't really know where to go--I was supposed to be going home with a 5 year old to her freshly decorated bedroom and the refrigerator full of the foods I was told she loved. Where was I supposed to go?

I texted the handful of people that had been texting me well wishes before I went in. I messaged 11 people the exact same sentence: "They gave her to someone else." That was all I could even think to say. I knew enough to know that I couldn't go to my house, and I didn't have anywhere else to go, so I went back to work. To school, where my only real support system was. And I had to decide where to go first, where there wouldn't be any students. I went to the lunchroom, where I knew one of our secretaries was, and I just fell apart. That's one of 3 moments I remember from the rest of that day. The other two are going to our school nurse after school and being too weak to get myself out the door to force myself to go home. I didn't want to. I wasn't supposed to go home by myself.

I was convinced that God was mad at me. I had just come through a really rough season where many of my closest friends had stopped talking to me, I was anxious about foster care, there were some other life changes, and I had just been generally struggling. And I saw this as the light at the end of the tunnel. I had gone through all of those hard things, but now was okay, because finally this dream, this calling was going to be realized. I fought like hell through that season to not equate the way conditional people treated me with the way God treats me and loves me. But in that moment, in that office doorway, being told that after weeks of preparation Little Miss randomly got placed with another family the day before I was supposed to go get her without anyone telling me, I lost that belief.

It messed me up. I just slept. I felt like I wasn't human anymore. I finally made the decision to see a therapist because I was just traumatized. But God wasn't mad at me.

God wasn't mad at me.

God had a bigger plan in mind. The moment that it looked like God abandoned me was actually the moment that God was giving me something better. I just couldn't see it yet. Honestly, I still think about and pray for Little Miss. I still grieve that I didn't get to be part of her story, even though she is very much part of mine. But in July, I finally felt called to accept a new placement. And if I could've written you the best case scenario for me taking in a child, I would've written you this exact story. We are a great fit. The timing was perfect. He is so happy and so good and loves life. And tomorrow, his sister moves in. Possibly, they'll stay forever.

God knew what he was doing. And he was faithful to me even in the moment it looked like he absolutely left me crushed and alone. My inability to see the whole story didn't change God's ability to know what was best for me, and for that, I'm ridiculously thankful.

On What I Can't Do

Balance is a concept that has permeated our culture.

Balance is defined like this: a condition in which different elements are equal or in the correct proportions. I think often we focus on the first part of that definition: getting everything equal. We want to balance out our work/home life. We balance spending vs saving, being productive vs relaxing, exercising vs eating ice cream.

And, in general, we find that keeping things equal is good enough. It's status quo living.

But I'm learning about the second part of that definition. About putting things into the correct proportions. And here's what I'm finding that I simply cannot balance:

These things can't co-exist. If I allow even a tiny space for worry, doubt, or anxiety it quickly grows from the small space I intended to overtaking my mental and emotional state--there is no more room for hope.

I can't simultaneous trust God and worry at the same time. They are opposite. Worry says that I don't think God is big enough or strong enough or capable enough and doubts that he loves me enough. Trust means that, no matter what, I believe that God is moving and that he is acting in ways that are for me and not against me. That in his perfect love he knows what he is doing. And his plan is better than mine.

When I allow anxious thoughts to roam my mind and when I carry all the weight around that anxiety brings, I am no longer strong enough to lift up my eyes in hope. My eyes are turned from God and are trained on the problem, despite the fact that God is the ultimate solution. He asks us to cast our anxieties on to him. Not to drag them around with us in a half-hearted effort to seek hope while still pridefully carrying the weight of burden by ourselves.

God didn't design hope to be balanced. Hope is ultimately our trust in God. Our smallest worries are offensive to hope; they stand in opposition. Hope anchors our soul, and where we have hope we cannot have worry.

I've found two ways out: we must surround ourselves with God's promises and with prayer. Choose to fill our minds with the promises of God that say that he is working for us, that he will make all things beautiful in their time, that he can take our old ways and work in new ways. He can make streams in the desert. A way for us through the wilderness.

God also promises us a future that he knows and controls and it is a good future. A future full of hope and prospering. That's the kind of promise I want to try to trust in.

And while surrounding ourselves with God's promises, we must pray and pray hard. Prayer takes the focus off of our worries and onto the God of the universe who cares about us enough to hear our prayer and give us peace. 

On Entering & Exiting the Tunnel

During hard seasons of my life I tend to find myself wandering towards the book of Ecclesiastes. I'm not sure if it's the repeated "meaningless!" declare or the idea that there is a season for everything. Maybe it's that I can so closely relate to the writer and his longing to understand the purpose for what happens to us under the sun.

It brings comfort to my soul to read the words of Ecclesiastes 3:1-8. I'm not sure whether it should or not, because the passage points out all of the terrible things that are bound to happen to us here on this earth. What brings hope is that despite the bad, there is also good. Maybe that's why in the relatively easier seasons in my life I don't wander to this passage--I don't want the reminder that bad is coming. But through a hard time, I desperately need the reminder that the good is coming. 

I've been trying to come up with an image or comparison to these seasons that life finds us in sometimes. The times when the world crashes down all around us. Whether we caused it, or it's a circumstance beyond our control. This is how I'm able to describe my particular seasons. It's not perfect by any means, but this is what I've come up with:

A girl is going about her life, loving what God has given her, doing her best to take care of the people and things she's part of. She's good at this--the easy part. It's fun and games and food and drinks. There are moments that are hard, but she's got quality people running around with her taking care of her. There's happiness and joy and celebration. But somewhere up ahead, there's a wall. And as the girl and her people are frolicking around enjoying their lives, the wall somehow sneaks up. This wall is familiar. Somehow they all know that they are being asked to get from this side of the wall to the other. None of them really want to, after all, all was well just days ago on this side of the wall. But it appears that on the other side is the destination that the girl needs to get to. She's determined. But it's hard. 

At one end of the wall, there's a ladder. Some of her people climb the ladder and simply jump to the other side. But this girl, this girl is terrified of heights. She tries, because she wants to keep up with everyone else, she truly wants to make it to the other side and tries to gather up enough courage to simply climb the ladder and hop over. But each time she climbs a few rungs up, she's so scared that she jumps back down. Often, she falls and skins her knees because she's shaking from fear. All this while watching people, her people, climb right over.

Some of the other people run far, far down to the other end of the wall and walk around. These people have far more endurance than the girl, and even though she tries to follow them, they run too fast and they get so far ahead that she's discouraged. Why is it so easy for them? How can they go so fast and far while she is still limping from trying to climb the ladder and exhausted from trying to keep up? Still, many of them run far ahead and get to the other side.

There are still some of her people on this side of the wall with her. Some of the very closest people that are trying with all their might to not leave her alone on this side of the wall. Literally they are trying to will her to the other side. 

Then, she notices the tunnel. It's a dark path. She can't see to the end. It doesn't seem wise. But how will she catch up? How will she get to the other side? Her friends and people beg her not to go in, but she doesn't see any other way. She's scared, but steps one foot in. The people behind her reach for her, trying to pull her back, but she's started now. She's in the tunnel. And she has to see it through to the end.

She walks feebly forward. It's so dark and sometimes she trips over rocks. Soon, she is all alone, the voices of her friends behind her a distant echo. Going through the dark. Stumbling around. Acquiring scratches and scrapes and bruises all over her body. The tunnel starts to close in on her and rocks from the ceiling and walls start to collapse on her and around her. She finds a small cave of sorts, and decides to wait there awhile. 

She can hear people behind her and in front of her, seemingly happy. But the rocks are tumbling around her and she waits. It feels like forever, but finally the stones stop falling and she crawls out from her shelter. The tunnel is still dark, and the going is slow.  

But she sees it: the light. The tunnel has an end and she must keep going. She steps around boulders and squeezes through the gaps and crawls and slides on her belly as the tunnel gets smaller and smaller. She is cut, bruised, bleeding. But finally, finally the light is right in front of her. One final push and she is free. Her body shows the battle wounds, but she's done it. She went through the tunnel and crossed to the other side. And despite her bleeding skin, she's stronger on the inside. Because she survived.

After wiping her tears and taking a few deep breaths, she looks around. Some of the people who went ahead of her are there to congratulate her. They pat her on the back then keep moving forward. But the people who had been the last ones to leave her, the ones who stayed and tried to help her cross without the tunnel, they were nowhere to be seen. 

She sits down, exhausted and overcome by emotion, and it hits her. Some of them had crossed while she was hiding in the tunnel and they'd kept going, without waiting for her, without a backwards glance. Others hadn't crossed the wall at all. They'd been content dancing and laughing and playing back on the other side, with no need to cross the wall. They didn't have the same destination. And others, she realized, were still stuck in the tunnel. They had come after her, and they had also been bludgeoned by boulders and were wounded in that tunnel. Maybe they had found her shelter. Maybe they were still coming, following her trail of blood to the end of the tunnel. Maybe they had turned around. Maybe they'd never see the victory of the other side. 

Upon realizing that she was entirely alone, the girl didn't know what to do. She thought back to the happy times on the other side...the laughter, the adventures. She hoped those things lied ahead on this side of the wall as well. And while she came out of that tunnel stronger on the inside, she still came out alone. There was no one to celebrate with. No one to dance with or have a party. So she waited. She thought maybe someone would catch up, or come back, or finally pop out through the tunnel. She waited until she couldn't wait anymore. No one came.

So, at last, she got up. Her wounds had healed. Her body and mind were strengthened. And she moved on. Alone. Ready to fight the next battle.  

Praise God that the tunnel always ends, and that there is hope for our future. That we can't mess up too big or wander too far. That we get to the other side. Here's to being strong enough and brave enough to climb the ladder next time, and to finding new people to cheer us on, lift us up, and never give up. 

James 1:19-20

Easy, right?!

Oh wait.

I think that people often refer back to James 1:19--we should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry. Now, those aren't easy things, but it seems like the perfect formula, so we toss those words around either as a warning to ourselves or maybe even as a warning to someone else...probably when they are offending us, which is a whole separate issue.

But verse 20 is what really hits me. You see, when we talk more than we listen, when use our words to hurt people, or are invoked to anger by the words or actions of others, we are sinning.

God doesn't desire dissension. Conflict isn't honoring to Him. Arguing doesn't lead to righteousness.

Rather, we should seek to understand the story of those we are in conflict with, and this is done primarily through listening. And when we realize that two people can have different viewpoints that are both legitimate and based on their experiences, we'll be more apt to be compassionate.

And compassion is something that will honor God and affect our human relationships.

Psalm 71

I just highlighted this verse in my Bible last night. I love that even though I've been using the same Bible for 10 years and have read the thing front to back several times, there are still new things that God wants to bring to my attention.

The Psalmist has so much confidence in God. Despite many troubles he proclaims that God will restore his life. He is able to see past his current circumstances and into the bigger picture.

And then, in verses 22-24 he goes on to tell all the ways he will praise God. He is praising God during the storm--not after--because he has a trusting anticipation that God will do what he has promised. He will restore. He will heal. And he doesn't change.

No matter what's around you or ahead of you God has the ability to restore it. In the meantime, he is still worthy of praise.

Find hope in that.